Difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations and values.
Douglas Stone
If you get difficult conversations right, a meaningful exchange of information and opinion has occurred, and a positive, agreed-upon path is created. An ineffective conversation leads to frustration, defensiveness and no change in behaviours or outcomes.
It is imperative that your mindset is positive and that you manage your emotions well before starting a difficult conversation. So, taking time before the meeting to use emotional management techniques such as walking, breathing exercises, or meditation will help you be in your best mental state for the conversation.
By the end of this topic, you will understand:
- how to undertake a conversation with the relevant person or people
- how to provide an opportunity for the other person's input
- how to confirm whether the other person understands the conversation and outcomes
- how to document relevant points of the conversation
- how to refer the other person to appropriate support services, as required.
Most difficult conversations should be 1:1 with the people directly involved, usually you and one other. Even when several people are involved in a situation, it is best to have a 1:1 conversation before deciding if a group meeting is needed.
Sometimes you have had several 1:1 conversations about the same or similar behaviours with the same person. You will then need to follow your organisation's policies and legal requirements, including having others at the meeting.
What makes a difficult meeting successful?
- All parties feel heard and that their point of view was understood
- All parties have listened to other perspectives and understood, even if they disagree
- All parties have had about the same time to speak and share their point of view
- Multiple solutions have been considered, and a win-win solution has been agreed on
- All parties have worked together to come up with and agree on action steps
- All parties commit to and take responsibility for their agreed actions
- All parties feel they have had equal opportunity to speak, equal time sharing their view and suggestions and that their opinions have been heard and considered at the same value as other people's views
- The conversation is specific (about a particular situation(s) and behaviours) rather than a broad topic or label like being disorganised.
Dealing with your own stress
As the leader of the difficult conversation, you will benefit from practising your coaching skills and ways of dealing with stress. Professional development courses can assist in learning about coaching skills, and personal development courses can help you find positive ways to deal with stress. Being a leader also requires you to utilise various skills for success.
Here is a practical video where you can try some simple and effective stress-relieving techniques that could help before a difficult conversation. Find out what works for you.
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Use the following steps to help you successfully navigate a difficult conversation.
- Create the ground rules together or state what you would like the ground rules to be and get agreement from the other person.
- State the impact the problem has on you, the business and others, if applicable.
- Initiate the conversation by outlining the purpose of the meeting, the issue you are attempting to resolve and the desired outcome from the scenario.
- Avoid unnecessary chit-chat to 'ease them into it.' This only makes the conversation more challenging to begin and increases anxiety. The importance of the conversation may also be lost if you are very friendly at the start. The other person may feel blindsided if you are friendly and seemingly indicate that everything is okay, raising the challenging issue.
- Set a solution-oriented context at the start.
For example, you can say: "What I want is to find a way forward that we both agree on and is helpful for you."
- State that you want to understand the other person's perspective and come to the outcome with a way forward that you are both happy with (win-win).
Valuable and slightly different tips on difficult conversations.
- Engage in active listening - listening with 100% attention, no distractions, and not thinking about what you want to say next.
- Invite the person to share their side of the story and respond to what you have said.
- Effective questioning techniques. Such as acting as if you do not know anything about the situation, even if you do. This is a great way to get people to share and open up more. You can be transparent and ask, "Pretend I do not know anything about the new process and describe how you understand it."
- Even when you believe you are 'right,' the conversation will be more productive when you listen attentively. It is more likely that an individual will be interested in hearing what you have to say when they also feel they are being listened to and that you understand them.
- Let the person speak uninterrupted. If you do interrupt, apologise and ask them to continue.
- Be okay with silence. Silence means listening and considering what the other person has to say. Give them space to keep talking or ask a question.
- Put yourself in the other person's 'shoes' to fully understand their point of view, even if you have dealt with a similar situation before.
- Use questions to engage the other person and ensure conversational flow, i.e., at least 50-50 talking. It is even better if the other person speaks 60-70% of the time.
Ask open questions to understand more about the other person's experience. Open questions include:
- "How do you feel about that?"
- "What was your intention there? "
- "Tell me more about that… Help me to understand more about…."
Consider – being mindful of non-verbal responses
Be mindful of your non-verbal responses, body language and tone, such as making eye contact, smiling, frowning, crossed arms, fidgeting with pens, how quickly or slowly you talk, and whether you are monotone or vary your tone. A significant part of how people understand your conversation comes from your body language and tone.
Non-verbal responses may tell during a difficult conversation as people often subconsciously signal their true thoughts through their non-verbal cues. An example may be saying they understand what has been said, but by crossing their arms or looking away or frowning, they may show that that is not the case.
By observing nonverbal cues, you can see whether someone is engaged in the discussion.
People are often reluctant to verbalise their feelings, so non-verbal cues such as body language and facial expressions are essential to observe.
It is essential to speak with conviction but also to practice empathy.
Conviction (in communication) means communicating clearly and assertively. It shows that you are clear about what you want to express and why. Speaking with conviction means being prepared and using specific examples and information to highlight key points.
Empathy means acknowledging another person's viewpoint and demonstrating awareness of their feelings. Using empathy shows the other person they have been heard and understood and that their feelings are valued. Following are some examples of how you can do this.
Acknowledge their point of view. Just because you acknowledge their point of view, this doesn't mean you agree with it, nor do you have to. You can say, "I am hearing that this is important to you", without saying that you agree with their position.
Here are some examples of statements that show empathy:
- "I can understand that this has been frustrating for you."
- "It sounds like this is upsetting you."
Once the other person has fully explained their view of the situation, you can summarise what they have said to show that you have listened and understood.
Ask clarifying questions to check that you fully understand what they are saying.
Clarifying questions include:
- "I am hearing that the childcare centre opens late and that is why you are late to our team meetings. Have I understood you correctly?"
- "Okay, so the date information for the labels was unavailable, so you continued the other steps in the process that you could do. Is that right?"
Consider - keeping it focused and on track
When the other person or people try deflection or distraction tactics, the best response is: "We are here to talk about…" – state the purpose (e.g., "We are here to talk about you being late to our team meetings") – so let us get back to discussing that". You may need to say that several times and it might feel like you are a broken record by repeating yourself. That is okay; this approach works.
Clearly state the situation and your observations using descriptions of their behaviour. Be specific and refer to dates, documents and specific behaviours.
Describe the other person's behaviours you have observed and the outcome, result or impact, which will be different compared to the desired outcome.
Describe the problem's impact on you, your team or the business. For example, you can say, "When you arrived late to the meeting, I felt disappointed and disrespected. My time and the time of the other team members are not being used productively."
Check in that the other person sees the difference in the outcomes.
Focus on the behaviours and not the person by using words like 'raised volume' and 'missing data' rather than 'aggressive' or 'poor attention to detail.' Make sure you are describing only behaviours, NOT interpretations or labels
Acknowledge any responsibility you had in the situation and apologise where appropriate. For example, you can say, "I could have clarified this during your induction, and I apologise."
Be aware of and ensure that you leave out any personal feelings about the person you may experience. Head into the conversation with an honest intent to resolve the issue and respect the other person.
Be aware of your emotions about having a difficult conversation, such as nerves and anxiety. Ensure you have a technique to help you manage your feelings before and during the conversation.
Consider – Deflections and distractions
Be aware of possible deflection and distraction. This happens when the other person tries to shift the focus away from them and their behaviour to other people or situations.
Case study - Conversation with Darren Part 2
Karen described Darren's behaviour and said, "Darren, you did not complete six in the quality control process, which meant the labels were missing critical data and had to be reproduced. This put the delivery behind by three days."
Karen did not say that Darren lacked attention to detail, was dismissive of the new process, or wanted to do things his way or the old way. These labels and interpretations should never be used in a difficult conversation.
Karen asked Darren open questions to understand his perspective.
"Darren, please help me to understand more about how you did the QC process?"
"Tell me more about your understanding of the label requirements."
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Supporting all parties is essential to creating engagement, responsibility and lasting behavioural change.
You are not a psychologist or counsellor. Suppose the other person is experiencing strong emotions and cannot manage them. In that case, they should be referred to an Employee Assistance Program (EAPs are professional counselling support programs provided through your organisation that are confidential) or a similar counselling support service.
Many difficult conversations uncover areas of training or development for the person involved. You are responsible for ensuring they get referred to people or services that will provide that training.
Support for the other person can include:
- you are making time to coach, mentor, guide and train them
- specific skill training programs
- a counsellor
- a psychologist
- GP
- employee assistance program
- family or friends
- church or community group.
Restate the purpose and outcome and check to ensure all parties agree.
- Open the conversation up for possible solutions.
- Ensure that the other party is involved in generating a mutually satisfying outcome. They will have much more buy-in and take more responsibility for their actions when they come up with the actions themselves.
- Explore and build on their ideas by asking more open questions. Focus on areas of agreement and common ground.
- Agree on a way forward with a win-win outcome.
Here is a video about win-win strategies and difficult conversations.
Confirming that the other person has understood the conversation and the outcomes are essential. This flows to the other person suggesting solutions, agreeing to a solution and coming up with actions.
Use clarifying questions and summarising to confirm their understanding of the solution, the actions, the agreed check-in and review process, and the implications of not completing the actions.
Send a formal invite through the organisation's email system. It provides a record of the meeting.
- In the meeting, take notes of the critical points of discussion, date and time, the solution, the specific actions, the check-in and review process and dates, and the support that will be provided.
- Clarify and document the agreed actions and next steps.
- The meeting date and time, as well as the key points of the conversation, should also be documented.
- A calendar entry where the other person has accepted the invitation and a note saying the meeting took place is acceptable as a record of the meeting.
- The other person must see the notes and sign that they agree it accurately represents the meeting. This helps to confirm that all parties have understood the discussion, the solution and the actions. All parties should get a copy of the notes.
For a difficult conversation, the record taking is about clarification, checking to understand and increasing commitment to action. More detailed note-taking may be required if the discussion is part of a formal performance review process.
Thank the other party for the opportunity to bring this into the open and for working with you towards a better outcome. Say that you look forward to supporting them with their actions.
Further reading
How To Ease The Stress Of Difficult Conversations - Leading Performance provides advice for making conversations less stressful.
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