Mentoring - youth participation

What is youth participation?

The quote above is from the Ministry of Youth Development’s youth development strategy, on page 25.¹ What do you think of the definition above? What do you think it means to say that participation is about ‘more than just consulting’? Another way we can define youth participation is to simply say that youth have the space to take part in activities and make decisions for themselves. The Code of Ethics² says in clause 21.2, on page 43:

In this topic we’ll explore what it means for youth participation to be authentic, and how you can extend participation so that it goes beyond consulting. True participation is meaningful and embedded within an organisation’s process for making decisions.

The mana taiohi principle of Whai Wāhitanga is about the right of youth to participate. It recognises the mana in young people, and that they can make valuable contributions to society. All young people need the space to be able to make decisions in their lives and about the things that affect them. Whai Wāhitanga asks us to consider everyone and not just listen to a few voices.³ Watch the short video⁴ below (1:18) to remember the principle of Whai Wāhitanga and see how it emphasises youth participation.

Task: The mana of young people

Read and review the section of the Code of Ethics on Whai Wāhitanga and Clause 21 Whakamana/Empowerment² on pages 41 and 42. Use the information from clause 21 to answer the following questions.

Youth participation is also the fifth principle of youth development in the Government’s Youth Development Strategy Aotearoa (2002)¹ – youth development is triggered when young people fully participate. 

The principle states that we must provide young people with the opportunity to have control over what happens to them and have their input respected. The fifth principle of youth development is based on a theory about how people learn. The key parts of this are doing things, reflection, trust and a chance to show what you can do. 

This principle is in line with New Zealand’s obligations under the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCROC). Full participation is a human right that children and young people have. Therefore, it should permeate all organisations, bodies, policies and legislation that impacts them.  

Participation provides young people with opportunities to become active participants rather than simply objects of adult-driven policy making and decisions.  

Task: Youth participation in practice

Read and review the section on the fifth principle of youth development in the Ministry of Youth Development’s Youth Development Strategy Aotearoa.⁵ Use the information in the strategy document (end of page 23 and page 24) to answer the questions.

Task: How would you rate your organisation?

Youth Development Strategy Aotearoa bases effective youth participation on five factors - young people need to:

• be informed
• have an effect on outcomes
• organise themselves
• make decisions or be involved with making decisions
• be involved in follow up.⁵

Think of your own practice and how your organisation is set up to manage working with young people. How would you rate it for each of these points on a scale of 1 = never happens to 5 = almost always?

• Our young people are kept fully informed and updated.

  

• Our young people’s contributions effect the outcomes.

  

• Our young people organise themselves and can fully participate in planning.

  

• Our young people are fully involved at all levels of decision making.

  

• Our young people are fully involved in the follow up.

  

What would be necessary to improve you or your organisation’s ranking on the scale? Look at the five categories to promote youth participation on page 24 of the Youth Development Strategy Aotearoa.

Why youth participation?

The fifth principle in the Youth Development Strategy Aotearoa defines youth participation and states its underlying principles and goals, though what this looks like in practice will depend on the situation.

Youth participation in decision making has several benefits, summarised by the Ministry of Youth Development⁵ as:

• better decisions and increased efficiency
• stronger community capacity
• positive youth development
• better relationships with young people
• a right under UNCROC 1993.

Task: Five benefits of youth participation

Read about Youth participation in decision-making⁵ at the Ministry of Youth Development’s website. As you read the explanation for each of the five benefits, can you think of some examples from your own experience or stories you have heard?

Explore further

If you would like to learn more about the benefits of youth participation you might find this fact sheet produced by the Ministry for Youth Development useful. It has been produced for both government and non-government organisations: Youth participation benefits for your organisation.⁶

Implement youth participation principles

The Ministry of Youth Development sets out three steps for implementing the principles of youth participation at an organisational level. While individual youth workers or educators can apply the principles to their own practice, it is much more challenging without good organisational support.

It is useful to approach youth participation from an organisational perspective. What can the organisation do to value young people’s contributions more? How can young people be involved at all levels? Do young people actively participate in decisions that impact them?

The first step is organisational commitment. Youth participation means youth contribution at all levels of decision making. Organisational commitment to youth participation is seen in staff support and resource allocation. It also shows up in the way contributions made by young people are valued and recognised and the points in any process or project where young people are active.

Once an organisation has committed to youth participation, the next step is to create space for young people to be involved. At first, this transition may be difficult and feel uncomfortable, chaotic, or messy. It can push you outside your comfort zone. It may seem like a lot more effort goes in than initial results justify. But it makes possible the third step, which is to focus on a youth friendly environment.

Task: Three steps for implementing youth participation  

Return to the Ministry of Youth Development’s webpage Youth participation in decision-making.⁵ Read through the three steps for implementing youth participation principles in your organisation.

• At which of the three steps would you place your organisation?
• How would you rate them on each of the points listed under that step?

Read the question under each point.

• How would you answer each of the questions from the perspective of your organisation?

Below the section on the three steps you will find links to two models, Hart’s Ladder and Shier’s Pathway to Participation. The purpose of these models is to help organisations evaluate themselves from the perspective of youth participation. You might like to think about how your organisation looks if you superimpose one of these models over it.  

Organisational youth participation

As explained in the quote above, from the Ministry of Youth Development⁵, Shier’s model provides a useful assessment framework. Use Shier’s Pathway to Participation⁷ as a tool to help think about your organisation and analyse it from a youth participation perspective. You will also use this model to complete Task 2 in Assessment 3.4.

Shier’s pathway sets up five levels of participation from being listened to at Level 1, through to sharing power and decision making at Level 5. At each level, there are three questions, one under each heading – openings, opportunities, and obligations. The intention is for you to read and discuss each question in sequence starting at Level 1 Opening – Are you ready to listen to young people?

Task: Understanding Shier’s Pathway

Look at the Pathway to Participation. This model⁷ has been slightly adapted by the Ministry of Youth Development for organisations working with young people. See if you can understand how the model functions and how it might be used in relation to your organisation.

Using Shier’s Pathway

As you move along the pathway discussing your organisation, the most useful points are where you start to say “no” or “I’m not sure”. This indicates points to focus on with questions like:

• Should we be able to say ‘yes’ here? What things can we point at as evidence of ‘yes’?
• What would a ‘yes’ answer look like for us?
• For us to say ‘yes’, what would we need?
• How would we make the necessary changes? Where should we start?

Most likely you will find that your organisation is not positioned at one clear point on the model. If you find yourself picking different points or even different levels for different aspects of the organisation, this is normal. There may even be disagreement about how to answer questions or where you are situated. This is all part of the process. Aim to reach general agreement as to the level at which your organisation predominantly sits. From there, use the questions on the model to help focus discussion on what the next steps should be for your organisation.

Task: Five levels of youth participation  

If you are interested to study Shier’s model in more detail, you may wish to read the original journal article that Shier published in 2001, outlining his model and explaining its application – Pathways to Participation: Openings, Opportunities and Obligations.⁸ The article is only ten pages long, and it includes several useful diagrams that will help deepen your understanding. 

As we’ve seen, Shier’s Pathway to Participation includes five levels. What do these look like in day-to-day practice? As you read the explanations and examples for each level below think of examples from your own experience and organisation, as well as ideas for moving up the levels. Exploring the three questions at each level should help with this. 

Level 1: Young people are listened to

When a young person expresses their point-of-view they are listened to with care and attention. However, it is up to the young people themselves to take the initiative and volunteer their opinions and feedback. There is no organised effort to find out what the young people think or feel about policy or decisions. If no one says anything it is assumed that everything is fine.

In an organisation this might look like: Being in a mentoring relationship that is safe and trusting enough for a young person to share their thoughts. However, this is not encouraged nor are there any specific processes or pathways within that organisation for their voice to go further.

Level 2: Young people are supported in expressing their views

Young people share their views openly and with confidence that the youth workers and others in the organisation will not only listen to them but also take action, or ‘do something about it’.

Also, intentional efforts are made to help overcome barriers that may inhibit young people from free and open expression. These barriers could include things like shyness, low self-esteem or negative self-image, language, cultural differences, discrimination, prejudice or stereotyping.

The organisation and/or youth workers are pro-active in creating the conditions that support physical and emotional safety and build relationships of trust. They also have strategies to deal with bias and discrimination.

In an organisation this might look like: A youth friendly organisation with professional youth mentors who take the time to find out from their youth what their views are in everyday practice. The organisation has created a safe space and environment for young people to be comfortable in themselves and express their views, but they are not necessarily supported to develop their leadership or increase participation in the general running of the organisation.

Level 3: Young people’s views are taken into account

Level 3 moves beyond providing a safe environment for young people to express their ideas and opinions and taking action when a young person speaks up. At Level 3, young people’s ideas and opinions are systematically incorporated into the decision-making. This does not mean young people get everything they want or that they are consulted on every decision. Rather, they are consulted or provide feedback through things like surveys, advisory committees, and focus groups.

Shier states that Level 3 is the minimum necessary to meet United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCROC) requirements.

In an organisation this might look like: Focus groups are held to better understand the youth in that particular location, service or organisation. Feedback is given but not always taken on board. Note that with evaluations and surveys, these can often be tick box exercises and sometimes young people don't find them engaging.

Level 4: Young people are involved in decision making processes

Young people are involved in governance or at least ‘in the room’ when key decisions are being made. They are not just consulted, but actively participate in decision-making with adults at the organisation. This can include young people helping to improve service provision with input into determining what is needed and how best to achieve results. Young people involved in this way can feel more accountable because they have some ownership over policy and decisions. Young people may also feel a greater sense of belonging, higher self-esteem and empathy for peers and others. This greater confidence in themselves and sense of responsibility often carries over into other areas of their lives and stays with them as they move into adulthood.

However, if this process is not taken seriously, it could look like: Tokenistic representation on a board or governance body. Youth are consulted but not always taken seriously or with equal voice and power to those adults in the room.

Level 5: Young people share power and responsibility in decision-making

Level 5 means young people share power, control, and responsibility with the organisation for decision-making. The key distinction between Level 4 and 5 is that at Level 4 young people actively participate in decision-making but without any real power over a decision made – they can be overruled. At Level 5, in practice and/or as part of policy this does not happen.

In an organisation this might look like: The use of youth councils, or youth representatives on the board of your organisation, and allowing their voice to be heard and their vote to count.

Openings, opportunities, obligations

Sheir’s five levels on the pathway are intersected by three columns – openings, opportunities, and obligations, which represent three different stages of commitment at each level. In the model, each has its own question.

Openings – Are you ready to …?

Those who work at the organisation, or the organisation itself, is open and receptive to this level of participation because they recognise its benefits and would like to move towards making this part of the organisation’s practice.

Opportunities – Do you do …? / Is there a …?

The organisation is now committing time, funding, resources, and professional development to youth participation at this level. The organisation has the capacity, knowledge or skills to implement this level of youth participation, or they are in the process of acquiring it.

Obligations – Is it a policy requirement that …?

The level of youth participation is now codified as part of organisational policy and/or standard practice. The organisation has established expectations and requirements; there is accountability to meet this standard of youth participation at the organisation.

Potential issues with Shier’s Pathway to Participation

Shier’s pathway model sets up Level 5 as the goal for youth participation, however, this may not be suitable for every situation. It is important to be honest about the role, purpose, aims and nature of an organisation, or aspects of that organisation.

Avoid false participation

It is important to move along the pathway in a genuine and thorough manner. Discussion about the nature of the organisation, youth participation and its implementation should be robust at every level of change. It is better to be a solid Level 3 than a false Level 5.

False participation has three aspects: manipulation, decoration, and tokenism. What is the true nature of the interactions between youth workers, facilitators or other adults at the organisation and young people? Do young people at the organisation experience genuine participation, or is there just the appearance of it? How does an organisation support and facilitate participation without manipulation of that participation?

This is why Shier’s model uses three stages of commitment – openings, opportunities, and then obligations. It is often tempting for organisations to start with the obligation, but Shier is very clear that the organisation needs to start with the opening – Are we ready to commit to this level of youth participation? For example, an organisation might be doing a solid job of youth participation at Level 2. They have policies, procedures and accountability mechanisms in place to support the organisation’s standard practice of creating a safe environment for young people to open up and confidently express themselves and their points of view. There are also some instances of Level 3 youth participation, but it is not yet standard practice. To move the organisation to Level 3, do not start with obligations and requirements. Start with getting the key stakeholders ready and willing to commit to working at this level. What needs to happen for there to be general agreement that Level 3 should be standard practice at the organisation?

Keep things in perspective

Shier’s Pathway to Participation is not the only way to think about youth participation and its implementation. It is a tool that may or may not be useful in any given situation. It may even be appropriate to have within an organisation multiple levels of youth participation.

Also, like any model, it has assumptions built in that not everyone will agree with or that may make it unsuitable for some organisations. For example, Shier’s pathway assumes empowerment is linear and that power is something an organisation can gift or share with its young people. What about the power young people already have? What about roles young people may already be playing in the community like educator, advocate, mediator, coach, planner or leader that the organisation may be unaware of? What about participation that happens outside of formal organisational structures or is organised in different ways?

Also, organisations are not necessarily free agents. There may be limits imposed on what they can do, or Shier’s pathway may conflict with other models or approaches the organisation are using.

It is appropriate to question the model and how it should be applied, or even if it should be applied to an organisation. However, it can be a useful way to initiate and frame exploration into youth participation at an organisational level, even if the organisation ultimately rejects the model as unsuitable for their purposes.
 

Youth participation needs empowerment

The foundation of youth participation is empowerment. But it is not easy to untangle power relationships and organisational structures to genuinely empower people.

Empowerment is complicated, with several integrated facets that all need to come together to achieve greater youth participation. Firstly, there is the actual capacity or capability of an organisation, its youth workers, and the young people to actively participate. Do we have the necessary skills, knowledge, data, or information to do this? Autonomy is a critical component of empowerment. Is everyone involved able to think and act for themselves in this situation? Also, do not ignore what you already know from past experiences, research, or pilot projects.

Empowerment is directly dependent on real-world conditions, limitations, and opportunities. The conditions that enable empowerment may be different in different contexts. What are the optimal conditions for our context? Most people find participation as part of a group, especially of peers, empowering. Support from community, family and others is also very important.

Empowerment is also an attitude or mindset. Organisations, youth workers and young people must be able to recognise their own ability. Together we must believe we are all capable of taking action and influencing outcomes. Does everyone feel like equals with the same basic human rights and responsibilities as everyone else? Do we have the mindset to speak up in defence of ourselves and others? Do we have the confidence to join with others to achieve a common goal or face a challenge? How do individuals and groups develop the self-esteem needed to feel empowered to fully participate?

Youth workers’ role in youth empowerment

Adults working to support youth participation can help young people develop the knowledge and skills they need to fully participate. They can establish safe conditions and environments that support participation and provide opportunities.

However, an empowerment mindset is something that grows inside a person, it cannot be given to them. Young people must put in the hard work themselves, but organisations and youth workers can support them to get there. For example, young people start to develop self-esteem and self-belief when they experience success and what it means for others to appreciate and benefit from their contributions; and when they have key people around them who value and believe in them.

Organisations and youth workers can model respect for equality and diversity through their systems, interactions and relationships. The same for a commitment to teamwork. Over time, attributes of empowerment including self-confidence and a drive to make a difference can develop inside young people if they are nurtured and encouraged through environments and relationships. Empowerment develops through observing role models and having opportunities to experience empowerment. It cannot be taught or given.

What can you and your organisation do to facilitate the growth of empowerment in the young people you work with? Remember, while you cannot directly empower anyone, you can support their empowerment to happen.

Inclusion and exclusion

What factors determine who can participate and who cannot? Organisations and individual youth workers need to listen to young people and reflect on their practice to identify, understand and deal with the structural and relational factors that may exclude or discriminate. However, it is not just adults who need to understand this. How can youth workers help facilitate young people to recognise and respond to issues of exclusion amongst their peer group? Working with this may be difficult, but it is also an opportunity for growth as young people explore how to take up issues of inclusion and exclusion and to respond or take appropriate action.

Some questions that may help with this:

• Who controls who gets invited or asked to participate?
• Who controls the spaces where participation happens?
• Who controls the resources?
• Who has veto power over decisions made? Who is making the real decisions?
• Who has access to those in power?

Imagine the following scenario. A local regional council has invited youth representatives to participate in a forum at the council rooms to address local environmental issues. At the same time, another group of young people self-organise a climate change protest outside the council chambers. In this situation, both groups of young people experience participation and empowerment. And both must grapple with issues of inclusion and exclusion.

Dealing with issues of inclusion and exclusion has a complex relationship to power:

• What does it mean for a young person or group to be invited into a decision-making space, or for them to claim or create space for themselves?
• What roles do adults play in this? What roles do the young people need them to play?
• How much influence should young people have over decisions?
• Do they feel prepared to have that influence?

There are no easy answers to questions like these. A lot depends on context and who is involved. What is appropriate for one situation or youth work relationship may not be appropriate for another. However, it can be clarified within a context who is included, who is excluded, and who controls this.

Agenda – what is it and whose is it?

Agenda is an aspect of youth participation that needs careful consideration.

• What are the agendas? And whose are they?
• Are the agendas in conflict or supporting each other?
• Who initiates and who controls the agenda?
• Who is leading and who is following?
• Who is giving invitations to participate? Who is accepting?
• Who is making the proposal and who is responding to it?
• Who appears engaged and who seems disengaged?
• Who controls the space? Who decides what is official or appropriate speech or behaviour?
• Who is speaking and who is listening?
• How are resources and time being allocated?

Whose space? Whose ideas? Whose priorities? Who is being heard? Who is in control of the decisions? Reflecting on these questions will enable you to think critically about power and agency.

Quality interpersonal relationships

The Mana Taiohi principle of whanaungatanga is about taking time to build and maintain quality relationships. When we prioritise quality relationships through whanaungatanga, we build trust and a sense of belonging. These relationships are mana-enhancing.

The Code of Ethics² defines whanaungatanga under the clauses of transparency, confidentiality, boundaries, and knowing your limits (see pages 42 to 43).

• Transparency means being honest and accountable, to both the youth about what you are offering, and to the organisation. It is especially important if your organisation has specific goals and in situations where gifts may be given.
• Confidentiality means keeping the trust of the youth by being clear about when you will need to share the information they tell you, and by asking for their permission first before sharing whenever possible and not sharing it more than you need to. Compliance with the Privacy Act is important here, and your organisation may have policies you need to be aware of and follow.
• Boundaries are important to create a safe space for all. You will need to maintain boundaries for the safety and wellbeing of the youth you work with and for your own safety and wellbeing. Be aware of when boundaries are being tested and seek support from others. Support other youth workers with maintaining their boundaries.
• Knowing your limits means knowing what you can do as a youth worker, and when your skills or role are not enough and you need to seek advice or refer on to best meet the needs of the young person.

If you want to refresh your understanding of how whanaungatanga appears within the Code of Ethics, you may want to have a quick read of this summary on the Ara Taiohi website⁹ which covers the clauses related to the four key areas above. 

Task: Whanaungatanga in practice

Reflect on the following questions:

• How do you apply whanaungatanga through transparency, confidentiality, boundaries, and knowing your limits in your youth work practice with young people?
• Can you think of an example of each?

Quality relationships is also the fourth principle of youth development in the Youth Development Strategy Aotearoa (2002) – youth development happens through quality relationships. Therefore, it is a priority to support and equip young people to have successful relationships with others. How young people are interacted with day-to-day has a significant impact on how they develop. Friends, for example, become incredibly important at this stage in life and having a least one close friend is a key protective factor.¹

Task: Supportive relationships

Read and review the section on the fourth principle of youth development in the Ministry of Youth Development’s Youth Development Strategy Aotearoa¹. Read these points on the fourth principle (pages 21–22) and think about the questions that follow each statement:

Young people growing up in difficult family circumstances can find supportive relationships with other people in their lives to help them find their feet.

• Who are these people?
• What role do you and your organisation play in relation to this?

Relationships with parents are continually important, even as young people become more independent.

• What role do parents and family relationships play in the lives of the young people you work with?

Training young people in peer communication skills is also a valuable way of supporting healthy friendships and relationships with adults.

• Do you and your organisation offer any training or guidance in peer communication skills?

Young people and healthy relationships

As a youth worker mentoring young people to make sense of their interpersonal relationships, it is good to focus on supporting them to understand what healthy relationships actually are, especially for young people who may not have experienced or been around a range of different types of healthy relationships. While young people may need to talk with an adult, they can trust one-to-one, it can also be young people together and learning from each other.

Young people working in peer groups gain friendship and support. They can talk, negotiate, socialise, and explore different options in ways that may not be possible in spaces overseen or controlled by adults. Young people can be role models for each other and give each other feedback that they would not get from parents, teachers, or other adults. Peer group work and projects also provide opportunities for youth leadership, autonomy, and a space to test out decision making skills.

Youth participation supported by mentoring can help young people to develop and grow. An important part of this is the space to safely learn about and explore aspects of their important relationships.

Healthy family relationships

The most fundamental relationships, good or bad, young people have is with family. Family usually refers to blood relations (parents, siblings, cousins) or non-blood relations who join the family. For young people this might be people like their mother’s boyfriend and his son, or their sister’s new husband or an adopted cousin. Usually, young people live with their closest family members and see them every day, but not always. For example, they may live with grandparents or extended family while parents and/or siblings live elsewhere, even in another part of New Zealand or another country. Young people may also have key family members who they almost never see but whose connection is still very important, for example, a birth mother, a separated parent in another town, or a parent in jail.

Exactly who is regarded as close family varies in different cultures, but for most young people family relationships are central to their lives. Ideally, family is made up of strong, loving, supportive connections, but this is not always the case. Some families have dangerous or toxic relationship dynamics that may be actively harmful to a young person. Yet, most families fall somewhere between these two, in which conflict may be more about poor communication rather than a lack of love or concern.

Healthy family relationships can still include conflict and arguments. What makes the difference is how people argue and resolve conflicts. In fact, a parent-child or sibling relationship without any expression of conflict is just as likely to be unhealthy as one with screaming matches or violence. Close family members often live together or at least spend a lot of time together, so arguments and disagreements are normal. People who hurt each other can also love and support each other. It is also normal for family relationships to be complicated and messy. Provided the young person is not unsafe in the family environment, young people can be encouraged to see their family as a training ground for learning to live with other people, especially the annoying ones like a little brother, or the unreasonable ones like an out-of-date father.

Parents and older relatives like grandparents, aunts or uncles, take on the role of life guides who provide emotional and material support and set boundaries. If a parent is unable to fulfil this role for a young person, other extended family members may be available to take on these roles in the young person’s life.

Youth workers can help young people to explore relationships they have with different family members in a neutral space. Various techniques like role plays are available to help practice communication skills or to view a situation or conflict from someone else’s perspective. One of the biggest issues for many young people is gaining independence and finding their own identity outside of the family. Youth workers can help young people to explore their emotions about their family relationships, responsibility, and independence. Even the most difficult family relationships can with time and maturity often reach a resolution, mend broken connections, and/or calm down.

Healthy family relationships are important as protective factors for young people and their emotional, physical, and material wellbeing. The key is to learn how to communicate in healthy ways. Strong, nurturing connections with family can become a lifelong source of support. Quality relationships start in the family as it is the family who are the first teachers of how to do relationships. Healthy family relationships help young people to form healthy relationships outside the family with friends and romantic partners. Family is also where we first learn about physical contact and how to express affection. Every family is not the same. Some families have little physical contact, while for others expressing affection through hugs, kisses or patting is common.

Healthy friendships  

The old saying goes that you cannot choose your family, but you can choose your friends. Young people may have siblings or cousins they consider friends, but usually their friends will be other unrelated young people they have chosen to become close with. Some friends are closer than others. It is normal to feel more comfortable around, confide more in, or feel more connected to some friends than others, especially if people have known each other longer or spent more time together. Friendships may come and go, may change and grow closer over time, or grow further apart. 

A healthy friendship is reciprocal as both people feel that they trust, respect, care about, confide in and want to spend time with each other. Healthy friendships are mutually respectful and supportive and are often based on shared common interests or ideas. Some people have a lot of friends while others may only have one or two, but this is normal and healthy. Of more concern is the young person who appears to have no friends or whose friendships are artificial or toxic in some way. 

The amount of physical contact or how often they meet up varies between friends and does not necessarily indicate how emotionally close the friends feel or how important they are to each other. 

For many young people, friendships are critical and may even at times seem more important than family, as establishing friend peer groups is part of a young person’s exploration of personal identity and independence from the family. Friends can often resolve issues on their own, despite the drama, but sometimes may need guidance on how to better communicate with each other. 

Acquaintances

These are neighbours, workmates, people at school, church, or social events that a young person may encounter regularly who is neither family nor friend. Even if they see them every week like other young people or teachers at school, they are unlikely to know them well or feel close.

Getting along with acquaintances, who may be any age, is an important life skill. Young people, if not trained in childhood, may need to be taught how to interact with those around them in culturally appropriate ways. Most cultures expect people to be polite and respectful in their interactions with acquaintances in order to maintain harmonious social relationships and avoid stress or conflict.

Contact with acquaintances is often minimal, especially physical contact, with the main contact being things like smiling or saying hello. However, interactions between acquaintances are often guided by cultural rules that young people may need to learn if their family did not teach them or they are new migrants for example. Being seen as rude at school or work may have consequences, even if the young person is unaware of how others are judging them based on their behaviour.

Intimate relationships  

Outside of family or best friends, physically intimate relationships may be the most difficult for young people to deal with. While they have been working on family and friendships all their lives, this is not true for the feelings and behaviours that come with intimate relationships. How a young person deals with strong physical and emotional attraction to another person will depend on their age, experiences, and personality.  

Most young people need guidance in how to handle these relationships both when the attraction is reciprocated and when it is not. Even small things like how frequently the other person contacts them can be fraught and emotionally charged.  

An intimate relationship, or ‘being in love’, also comes with a lot of mythology and expectation. Young people often need support from adults they can trust, who are not their parents, to help them sort through what is happening. The nature of the strong connection and bond they feel with an intimate or sexual partner is different to those they have with family and friends. 

Healthy intimate relationships are built on love, trust, respect, support, acceptance, and shared interests. They may include living together or having children together. Physical contact in a healthy intimate relationship whether cuddling, holding, kissing, or sexual intimacy is based on mutually agreed boundaries and communication about what is and is not appropriate. This may also include what behaviours or contacts are appropriate with others outside of the relationship.  

Healthy intimate relationships include arguments and disagreements, but they are resolved through communication, understanding, and compromise if necessary. Young people in intimate relationships may end up spending the rest of their lives with their first romantic partner, but more likely they will find out that they are not compatible, or they want different things, and end the relationship. Breaking up can be painful but it is a normal part of life and young people can be helped to see this. They can be helped to learn from their mistakes, and learn not to carry baggage from one bad relationship into the next. 

Mentoring and relationships

When mentoring young people, it is always a good idea to start small. What is one small thing they want to change? It could be something like getting out of bed each morning at the same time, walking away instead of yelling at their little brother, or taking a breath and counting to five before they start to speak.

For some young people, what they need from a mentor is an honest, open, and consistent relationship. It can be difficult for them to learn to trust you, especially if they have been let down by adults a lot. It may be important to focus on being someone who will always tell them the truth and who shows up. If you say you will do something, do it. Or, if you cannot deliver on a promise be prepared to explain why, even small promises like calling or meeting them at a certain time.

If you have trouble connecting with a young person, try food. Sharing food and eating together may be a good way to equalise a relationship and create a more human connection. It is human psychology to relax more with those we share food with. Another option is to back off asking questions or trying to make a conversation happen. Sometimes just being with someone playing a game or kicking a ball around lays the groundwork for trust and later conversations.

Once young people are comfortable with you and feel they can trust and rely on you they may start to open up, especially about difficulties they may be having with relationships in their lives. You do not need to solve their problems for them. Rather, talk with them about healthy relationships and communication. Challenge them to find their own solutions.

Do you understand youth participation at your organisation? Can you analyse your organisation using Shier’s Pathway to Participation?

You are now ready to complete Task 2 of Assessment 3.4.